Personal grown

Every single one of us has strengths, talents and skills that we use every day. Some people are more capable at reaching the full capacity of their talents than others, but that’s not because those people are ‘better,’ or even because they’re smarter, or savvier networkers, or anything like that. It’s because some people have a greater ability to simply be effective, and that is something that can be learned and improved upon.

In the first step of the path we’re focusing on getting really clear about our own boundaries… and right now you might find yourself thinking, “Hey! Wait a minute! My boundaries problems aren’t with me — they’re with the other people in my life!”

Well, here’s a first dose of the hard truth. You’re right… but you’re also a little bit wrong, and I can explain why…

There’s something that I like to say: You get what you tolerate.

Do you find that other people are constantly stepping over your boundaries? Well, there’s a reason for that, and we’re going to help you locate those boundary lines inside yourself and give you a way to bring them out, to understand them, and to communicate them clearly to others.

At the same time, we’re going to teach you about how all of these mechanisms work inside of you — how they relate to how you form goals and whether you accomplish them, how you relate to others, what you want in life and whether you get it.

Identifying Your Boundaries Conflicts
Key takeaways:
-Boundaries ultimately help you take control of yourself.
-We can show love to someone and still have limits, but those two notions are often conflicted in our minds.
-People who don’t have boundaries are more likely to be disrespected.
Explanation: It is ok to have limits even if we love the person. Thinking that we can say not or set limits was probably created since childhood, when you couldn’t say no to a parent. Maybe you were raised thinking that having boundaries is cruel to others. There is also the fear of lost, guilt, retaliation, being judged (find your fear), … good relationships are not like that, the person who usually have no boundaries the one hurt the most in a relationship. It is not selfish to say NO ,

Taking Responsibility for Your Behavior
– Freedom and responsibility go together.
– Responsibility isn’t a duty. It’s a way of being in the world because it means you take ownership of something.
– Taking responsibility for resolving pain in your life doesn’t mean someone else didn’t cause the pain. We take ownership of the problem so we can heal ourselves.
Explanation: Take responsibility empower us, by taking ownership we can deal with it, stop being the victim and work on fixing it. I know you didn’t cause it…. by taking ownership we can learn from it… this is my life, is happening to me and I’m going to take control on he side of me and will create boundaries. Taking responsibility is responding to the situation.

Identifying Your Real Needs
– Just because we have a desire in our heart doesn’t mean we do the right things to bring it to fruition.
– You have a need for connectedness, attachment and love, and those needs come from outside sources we have to actively seek.
– We have a need to process negative occurrences that take place in our lives.
Explanation: Behavior we are struggling, like we are not doing what we are supposed to do. Boundaries is about self control. But most of us can’t say NO to ourselves You are a system a living system that has needs, these are human needs, when our basic needs to go unmet and we’re hungry for whatever that is and for some reason that isn’t available, we’ll settle for anything else to satisfy that need. If we don’t resolve the underlying need then that need is going to keep pushing the limit. We have need to be connected in a loving supportive Community, if we don’t have that relationship and we don’t have anybody we’re going to be hungry so you’re going to feel that with maybe a bigger car would fill this emptiness maybe one more sexual relationship would feel this through this emptiness inside maybe one more promotion you know we we develop false needs and false needs are generally when we find something good in life and we ask it to do what it could never do. We need the need to fulfill our talents and dream. You need to understand you will be disappointed but don’t let that drive you to destruction

Willpower is not Enough
– More than 90% of New Year’s Resolutions fail.
– Don’t use willpower to promote change; embrace a open-system change.
– We need to seek outside sources to give us energy and intelligence to make fruitful change.
Explanation: the problem is because my capacity has to change. Open change system, willing to open up to outside sources and other people or God. The support system has to have the intelligence of how to do it. Don’t try to rely on will power, open up to outside help

Learning to Use Natural Consequences
– Consequences identify what something costs you. We change our behavior when the pain of staying the same becomes greater than the pain of changing.
– Guilt, shame and feeling “bad” aren’t real consequences.
– Relationships, feedback and boundaries allow us to see the real consequences of our behavior.
Explanation: Feeling bad doesn’t really change anything, it might motivate your for a bit. Real consequences focus in what is costing us. Denial removes consequences until one day is going to crash. Ex tell friends “the next time I’m late go someplace else and don’t tell me, so I can experience a consequence”

Self-Boundaries Checklist
– We need boundaries around the following areas of our lives: our feelings, attitudes, behaviors, choices, limits, thoughts, talents and desires.
– Boundaries are what we allow to grow in our yard because we want to get fruit. Ask yourself, “How well am I saying no to each of the areas Dr. Cloud mentioned?”
– Why we need to take a look at what’s going on in our lives that is affecting us clinically, relationally and in our performance.
Explanation: How well am I saying no to my feelings? Find a way to stop that behavior. Whatever we let grow in our lives that is not positive will keep growing. Clinically how do you feel, is it fear, depression, anxiety. Performance are you owning your talents?

Seeing the Future: Your Life with Healthy Self-Boundaries
– Vision is one of the most important things we can have. It gives us a clear outlook of our future before the future exists.
– You don’t know what to say yes to and what to say no to if you don’t have a vision.
– Then you need a plan to execute against your vision, accountability to keep you on track and a way to to track your progress to ensure you’re on the path to your desired future.
Explanation: seeing the future, before the future exits. What help am I going to need to get there? You might need bring other people to the table. And we need a plan to execute it. Set a schedule to achieve your goal. And when you fail.. Adapt! What goals you have for your performance. We are sort of the people we surround ourselves with. your Boundaries should tell you what to say yes to and what to say no to. What do I need to do today?

How to Say NO
Protecting yourself, honoring your boundaries, and having a functional life.

Your ‘no’ does not need an explanation or an apology.

So many people get tripped up on how and when to say ‘no’ that they say ‘yes’ to too many things that make them feel unsafe, or stretched too thin, or that they simply don’t want to do for some reason.

We’re going to dive in to all the dimensions of saying ‘no’ that will give you the confidence and discernment necessary to make your ‘yes’ and ‘no’ as solid as they can be.

This is going to give you so much freedom and security. Learning how to say ‘no’ is an essential skill for life.

What It Means to Say No
-At a cellular level, we know how to say two things: yes and no.
-Get rid of the paralysis of saying no, and learn the skills to say it appropriately. This is caused by the fear of saying no, often due to worry about being judged, or of not being liked.
-People are trained to think that ‘no’ means ‘You don’t love me,’ or ‘I’m not important to you.’ It’s not a negation of the person, or of your love for that person.
-We have to take the assumption out of what ‘no’ means.
-No is a complete sentence. You don’t have to explain if you don’t want to.
-You don’t need permission to say no.
Explanation: you are wired to say YES or NO. Tell yourself it is natural to say NO. You might have fear is you say NO the other person is not going to like you. Sometimes we have train to believe NO means you don’t care about that person… that is not true, even if they interpret it in that way. When you get guiltily, you get removed out of your boundaries. No has nothing to do with love.

The Misuse of No
-Some people are ‘no’ people. They say it involuntarily, like a reflex.
-Are we saying no out of fear? Don’t let fear and ‘no’ become married.
-If you’re saying no out of discomfort, you’re in trouble. This will shrink your world. Do not use ‘no’ to imprison yourself against growth, love or the next improvement.
Explanation: Some people are not people. If no is pair with discomfort and fear, makes life smaller and smaller. Make sure is not preventing you from enjoying life.

Saying No to People You Care About
-We sometimes make the mistake of putting ‘yes’ and ‘love’ together automatically.
-The trouble is when yes and love are put together, we think saying no means saying we don’t care, or we don’t love that person.
-Sometimes the best thing we can do is say ‘no’ to someone we care about.
Explanation: If I say not I feel I’m hurting someone or showing not care. Set the limit and emphasize but keep your boundaries.

The Consequences of Yes and No
-Your dreams, your finances, your love: you need to be able to say ‘no’ sometimes in order to preserve them.
-The reality is that life has limits. Life will say ‘no’ for you if you don’t say it.
-Your values are something you say yes to, and we say no to violations of those values.
Explanation: No is a word about limit. For ex you have limit of long you can stay awake. So if you don’t say no, you will suffer consequences… how about your dreams and goal? Remember you are saying NO to preserve life, the life of your dreams. It is going to get kill if you don’t say NO. Don’t take the manipulation of others. Sometimes you have say NO to preserve the love from resentment and prevent the real you from dying. We can be at conflict with no, because it means limits, but life is full of limits. We need to recognize the limits. That is why boundaries are so important, to preserver your life and your values. Say NO to the violation of your values.

No Is a Muscle — Exercise It
-No is a muscle. If we don’t use it we lose it… but if we use it, it gets stronger (and easier).
Real Life Example:
Parenting. Sometimes people talk about breaking a child’s will. Will, from the Greek means desire. When you break someone’s will, you’re breaking their ability to move forward in life, but also you break their desire to say no. It’s not about breaking the will, it’s about adding discipline, so that we can say ‘yes’, with strength, to what’s good, and ‘no’, with strength, to what’s bad.
Explanation: If we use it, it gets stronger, it needs to get nurture. Practice with car sales man. Learn to say no to the little things. Practice, practice, practice. Read books how to say NO.

Strategies for Working Your No-Muscle
-Priorities help you decide when to say yes or no. If you’ve already prioritized something on a given day, it makes it much easier to say no.
-Priorities help limit distractions and to assist you in keeping the big picture in focus.
-Don’t let life push you around. Let your priorities guide you by helping you to say yes or no, depending upon what helps you fulfill those priorities.
Explanation: Get pass of the now saying not for fear or anxiety. And when is not clear if No is appropriate, think about priorities. Like if you have a dream, that means the time energy should be focus on my goal. Strategize… by the end of tomorrow I need to have done “this and that”. Let your priories be your strategy of when o say Yes and when to say NO.

Tools for Thinking
We are, once again, going to wade into some very deep waters here.
We’re going to work on your orientation toward the world, your growth, your goals and how you recover from setbacks.
Each of the segments in this section of the path is intended to help you develop skills that will make you a tougher, more committed, more resolute person, who really understands what you want, how to get there, and what to do when you get there.
All of these lessons are going to help you grow in your capacities, and all starts with a vision.

What a Vision is and How it Helps You
-Vision is intricately wired into the way any accomplishment works in your life: strong relationships, good health, a solid career, how you build your family, your parenting… everything.
-Vision is a ‘desired future state.’
-If we don’t DESIRE it, it’s probably not going to go very far. We need a compelling motive to go to the effort.
-FUTURE… it does not fully exist yet. I can see where I want peace where now there is conflict. The vision has to be specific… the future state has to be somewhere we can get to.
-A future STATE. Something we believe. Not a fantasy. Something that is actually going to occur. We believe that it is possible.
-When you get specific, what happens is that all of the billions of neurological connections begin to pull together files and create new pathways that the new behavior is going to run on.
I strongly suggest that you are taking some notes and journaling regularly as you go through this path. Reflect so that you
Explanation: A desire future state. We need a motive and is compelling enough to make us hunger it. What Am I doing the prevents me from achieve my vision. “I can’t have this in my life, if want that”. How you are going to spend your time… “If really want that I can go that way. I need to go this way” Start with your vision.. what do you want. Get in touch with that desire. Vision is the ultimate first step of how boundaries work. Specific plans that set you in specific direction. Stop listening to all the other voices and follow your specific path.

The Growth Mindset
When you think about how you want to grow in your life, I want you to think about something: How do you interpret your ability to do something? Do you think that it’s fixed and can never be changed, or do you interpret it as a state today that can change in the future? There is a gap between failure and our ability to see whether or not we can learn to grow past an obstacle, and it has everything to do with the tone of our inner voice.
Some questions to ask yourself:
-Think of one of the hardest things you’ve done in your life. What was the outcome, and what did you learn from it?
-What was the most difficult part of the process? Did you ever find yourself feeling “stuck”? Where in the process?
-When you found yourself stuck, what did your internal dialogue sound like?
-Think of a time that you felt like you failed at something. What didn’t go well, and what could have been done differently?
-What did you learn from the experience?
-Now compare the two experiences. What do you think went well in each, what didn’t go well in each, and what do you think could be done differently in each?
-What do you think is the most difficult part about getting into a growth mindset? Has this course changed your perspective? It’s ok if the answer is ‘no.’ This is a long process that needs real life application in order to become integrated.
Explanation: How you think, your mind set is going to determine if you get your goal or not. Growth mind set vs Set mind set. A fixed mind set will limit you by those things you think you lack and make you feel not good enough. The growth mind set, it tell you, you don’t know how to do it yet.. but you can learn. Your brain is is capable of learning. When you learn that you can learn, the whole world opens up. The main tricks us into false limits, let really tell you what your limits are.

Accountability is a Good Thing
-The word ‘accountability’ brings up thoughts and feelings, the majority of which are pretty negative. It’s negative because it’s punitive and backward looking. It’s like a police action. Example of “when was the last time you looked in your rear-view mirror and saw the police siren and thought, ‘Oh awesome!’”
-The problem with that is that nothing happens without accountability. Your brain is wired to do it. It’s what gets you from one point to the next. You’re constantly using accountability to calibrate and coordinate.
-Your opportunity is to make accountability work for you, and it will work for you. I’ve never met anyone that’s accomplished anything of significance without it. Our big point here is that even though your past experiences of accountability may have been negative, it’s actually very very positive.
-Accountability is a guidance system to ensure you future.
-Whoever you choose to be in your accountability system, you have to decide “What’s the spirit of this relationship going to be?” We have to get the tone right. Is it going to be helpful, or is it going to be deflating?
-If you’re going to establish accountability in your life, are you consciously or even unconsciously walking into a toxic arena, based on past experiences? Or are you walking into something that you see as a good thing? The key here is tone, what’s the tone going to be in your accountability-relationships? Is it going to be harsh and critical and punitive, or is going to be encouraging and helpful?
Explanation: Nothing in your life starts without accountability. We need it, so make it work for you. It is a tool to get us to our goals. Accountability should be kind and encouraging.

Defining Expectations
-The very first thing you need to have for accountability to work is Mutually Agreed Upon Expectations. Mutual is key: have you both agreed upon what your role is?
-One thing that 100% of the time screws up accountability is that we judge ourselves by our intentions, and judge others by their behaviors.
-Once those expectations are set, we can begin to use accountability. Once the expectation is clear, everyone is looking at that, and not 10,000 other things. Now we have something to talk about, and now we have something to help each other towards. We now have a guiding system.
-Mutually Agreed Upon Expectations can get fuzzy. Example of the teenager being assigned to clean the kitchen after dinner before watching TV. The teen goes in, and five minutes later comes out and says, “all done!” The parent goes in and says, “you call this clean?”
-An expectation only has meaning if we define what “done” means. What would it mean for each of us to have met that expectation? Example of the mom who took photos of the kitchen after she had cleaned it and posted the photos on the bulletin board and said, “this is what done means.”
-What does it mean to have met that expectation? If we agree to not yell at each other any more, we need to define what yelling is. Mutually Agreed Upon Expectation, plus defining clearly what that expectation is.
Explanation: Mutually agreed expectations. Clear and what it means to have met that expectation.

Getting the Best End Result
-We have to get positive, and we have to define expectations.
-Accountability has one big built-in problem in the way that people use it. What we hold people accountable to is the ultimate goal. But by then it’s too late. We must be held accountable to the end goal, but where true accountability begins to drive huge performance is when people start to define and hold each other accountable for the drivers of that outcome.
-What can I control, and what are the activities that get me to that outcome?
-Once we’ve defined the activities you’re going to do to make your goal happen, accountability then requires inspection.
-The inspection process changes everything. Plane example again: if you wait until your in Iowa to check your heading, you could be way off course.
-You have to find the right cadence of inspections, where the gaps are long enough that they aren’t bogging you down, but short enough that you don’t get too far off course. When do we talk, how often do we check in?
-Let’s not wait for surprises. What do we do along the way? What’s the process of accountability? How are you set up to talk when something comes up? What are your lines of communication for when you need help, or something changes? That needs to be established ahead of time.
-What then? What do we do if the expectation has not been met? There’s a consequence. It doesn’t have to be punitive.
-Accountability is your best friend. Pick people that you can use this accountability with in a positive way. Don’t pick mean people to do this with.
Explanation: Don’t focus on the final score. True accountability starts with the process you can control. Meeting the expectations along the way. What do you do if the expectation is not meet? There should be a consequence, that is true accountability.

Understanding Resilience and How to Persevere
-Resilience means you can withstand things. You bounce back.
-We can develop resilience so that the storms that will come don’t ruin everything.
-You don’t rise to the challenge. You fall to your level of training. You fall to your level of preparedness for that challenge.
-Every time we are going to profit in life, it basically means that we are able to work through the obstacles of getting there, vs the people that don’t want to work through the obstacles or can’t.
-Resilience is about our ability not to react, but instead to respond
Explanation: You can’t control the behavior of other people, so we need to develop resilience to stand our ground when the storm hit us. “no problems, not profits” if we go thru in a relationship, it means we worked thru the problems and we learn from it. Relationships are work. Problems will give you skills, abilities. You can interpret negative events as lessons and realize we can learn from it. Mindfulness, be aware of your feelings, experience it and metabolize it in a way to smartly solve the problem. Say no to the voices that make everything looks bad.

Post by: Dr. Henry Cloud

Merged from: NJ Walk n’ Talk – Inspirational Blog
I would like to share with you those things that inspire me, make laugh and make me who I’m.